| CHAPTER 1 | CONSCIOUS See Clearly, Including Myself

Sidney’s father, a small shopkeeper in Brazil with limited education, was a role model but also critical and demanding. Sidney recognized that his impatience and critical nature mirrored his father’s style. Through coaching, Sidney came to understand the importance of self-awareness and self-regulation and of balancing efficiency with relationship building, central to emotional intelligence. If he had completed the readiness-to-improve exercise in figure I.1 (in the introduction), his motivation and confidence scores likely would have risen above 6 out of 10. He learned that being liked and respected would advance his career more than perfect spreadsheets.

As we discuss in the science section, researchers have identified self-awareness and self-regulation as two of four core elements of emotional intelligence. They are self-oriented signs of conscious leadership. Fortunately for Sidney, he was highly motivated to become more conscious. He was open to slowing down, being less reactive, and becoming more reflective. He became conscious of his desire to grow as a person and have a positive impact on others. These were core values that would support his journey; they were also signs of values-driven leadership, which we will explore in chapter 2 on authentic leadership.

Sidney attended a leadership development workshop that included mindfulness exercises, which revealed his difficulty in sitting still and paying attention to his breath. Struggling with meditating for even two minutes (a challenge for many investment bankers; Sidney was hardly an outlier), he came to see the importance of being present and observing himself with calm acceptance. By taking short breaks between meetings to breathe and reflect, Sidney found he could reset and calm down his emotional landscape to show up better for his colleagues.

He chose to use a touchstone as a physical reminder to pause and become mindful. Sidney selected a piece of weathered glass from a Caribbean beach, placing it on his desk to remind him of moments of joy and relaxation. This simple practice—holding the glass object and breathing deeply, even for a few seconds—helped him become more conscious of his emotional states. As we discuss in the science section, setting aside your mind’s emotional activity and becoming present, moment by moment, enables you to be conscious and (more) objective about yourself, others, and the situation you’re in.

By scheduling breaks and quieting the noise in his head, Sidney calmed down and his interactions improved. He became more consistent, positive, and, in the perceptions of his colleagues, trustworthy. He made time to encourage dialogue and demonstrate his interest in others’ perspectives. He practiced asking open-ended questions and active listening. He turned off his phone so that he could give others his undivided attention, also expressed in his body language. By attuning with others emotionally and mentally, he could show empathy and understanding.

This approach not only improved his relationships but also fostered a collaborative work environment. Sidney developed his coaching skills, beginning to see the value in guiding his team members with positive reinforcement, curiosity in how they learned, and supportive suggestions, rather than just directing them. He learned to provide constructive feedback that balanced both strengths and areas for improvement. This shift in his approach improved trust and respect within his team, leading to better morale and increased productivity.

One significant breakthrough came when Sidney realized the value of authentic sharing of his vulnerability as a leader. Sharing his own challenges—for example, the struggles he had experienced as a young clerk in a factory—and admitting that he was a work in progress made him more relatable and approachable. His team appreciated his honesty and began to open up more, creating a culture of transparency and mutual support.

Reflecting on his childhood, Sidney recognized that his father’s demanding nature had triggered defensive responses that were now obstacles. Earlier in his life, his young, developing ego had responded to his father’s harsh behavior with overdrive, hypercontrol, and even arrogance, all to protect him from feeling hurt and anxious. He could now see where his tendency to be critical of others, and himself, had come from. Sidney is not alone—we are all, in many ways, the product of patterns set in place early in life—emerging to support us and strengthen our egos.

While his “shadows,” his darker ways of being, were well intended to be protective, now that he was an adult, they became derailers. Reacting negatively toward others took Sidney away from leading consciously. He began to understand that he was not controlled by these patterns or thoughts but could be free of them. He could develop his own leadership style. He learned to manage his reactivity by becoming aware of his triggers and implementing practices to stay grounded.

Sidney also realized that his work ethic and organizational skills, though they were strengths, got in the way of conscious leadership. Instead of being reactively critical and impatient, he needed to be proactively present, emotionally self-aware, and emotionally available to others by sharing and being receptive to others’ emotions.

Sidney’s breakthrough moments and changes in behavior are examples of what psychologists call integration, which is a growth process we explore in the science section.2 His integration process started with a deeper, more objective awareness of his reactive patterns that were fueled by fear and insecurity. Once he realized that old patterns didn’t serve him as a leader, he saw new options and could make better, more conscious choices.

His journey from a highly skilled but impatient executive to a conscious leader models the importance of mindfulness, self-awareness, self-regulation, and continuous personal growth. Sidney not only achieved his career goals but also inspired those around him to strive for leadership excellence. His transformation shows that you can achieve more when you lead with a calm, conscious presence—the starting point for all the other capacities to come.

In his book Leadership: The Power of Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman makes the case for two self-oriented dimensions of emotional intelligence in leadership: self-awareness and self-management. Notes Goleman: “People with high self-awareness are able to speak accurately and openly about their emotions [and values] and the impact they have on their work . . . including a self-deprecating sense of humor. . . . Self-aware people know and are comfortable talking about their limitations and strengths, and they often demonstrate a thirst for constructive criticism.”6 Goleman’s exploration of self-awareness sounds like Sidney’s, and aligns with the sincerity of authentic leaders, which we discuss in chapter 2.

On self-regulation (or self-management), Goleman summarizes: “The signs of emotional self-regulation are easy to see: a propensity for reflection and thoughtfulness; comfort with ambiguity and change, and integrity—an ability to say no to impulsive urges.”

We saw self-regulation in action with Sidney. He took the time and made the effort needed to reflect on his own behavior. He learned to pause, become present, and self-regulate—to behave in new ways.

Goleman goes on to say, “If there is one trait that virtually all effective leaders have, it is motivation—a variety of self-management where we mobilize our positive emotions to drive us toward our goals. . . . Interestingly, people with high motivation remain optimistic even when the score is against them. In such cases, self-regulation combines with achievement motivation to overcome the frustration and depression that come after a setback or failure.”

South African researchers Gina Görgens-Ekermans and Chene Roux studied the association of components of emotional intelligence with effective leadership. Their study confirmed Sidney’s experience—that high emotional self-awareness starts a cascade that enables self-management and empathy for others. Both are vital to the high-quality work relationships that allow leaders to enhance followers’ moods and motivations.7 We will unpack further how leaders can cultivate high-quality relationships in chapter 4 on relational leadership.

Psychologist Eva Bracht in Germany led a team from Singapore, the US, and China studying the impact of leaders’ self-awareness and self-efficacy (self-confidence) on the evolution of followers into leaders. Their study concluded that a leader’s self-awareness and self-efficacy were associated with followers’ engagement in self-leadership, emergence as leaders, and nomination for promotion to a leadership positions.8

Being conscious is being awake to what is going on—seeing things objectively. For leaders, becoming more conscious is a big undertaking, an energetic and agile exercise in focusing one’s attention on one thing at a time. Leaders need to quickly shift their attention from themselves to people and situations close at hand. Next, that attention travels outward in ever-expanding concentric circles to teams, organization, stakeholders, industries or sectors, and on and on.

The starting point of conscious leadership is challenging—objective awareness of one’s inner self. It’s hard because awareness must override the brain’s automatic processes. Canadian American neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett’s groundbreaking work on how emotions are made reveals that the brain’s automatic mode of processing information isn’t designed to directly perceive and experience internal and external reality—to be, in a nutshell, conscious or objective.9

The brain is designed to continually monitor, evaluate, and predict. To do that, it’s focused on tracking your internal resources, abilities, needs, and desires along with ever-changing external demands across all of your life’s domains. Your brain’s calculations are entirely based on your past experiences, coded in your memories and learning.

Without conscious intervention, your brain is not focused on detecting reality in the present moment or observing yourself objectively.

Your brain sends messages to your conscious self in the form of emotions. Your emotions are not created by your brain as direct responses to the current reality. They are constructed by your brain to advise you on how you are doing and what to do next, based on a prediction of what may happen. Your continuous stream of emotions creates an internal reality—a continuous flow of emotional activity.

What happens next? You’ve likely noticed how your thinking brain tries to make some sense of the emotional swirl. In order to more objectively experience reality, you need to set aside your emotions-based internal “reality” just as if you were taking off a pair of virtual reality glasses.10 You shift your mind from thinking to experiencing, in order to more accurately perceive, detect, and discern what is actually happening right here, right now.

Sidney’s foray into mindfulness practices of grounding, breathing, and putting a stop to distractions (e.g., setting down his smartphone) enabled him to become present and more self-aware. He began to observe and set aside, rather than act on, his physical, mental, and emotional states, including his snappiness.

Now you are beginning to see a way to become more intelligent about your emotions. You can step into your mindful self, a state of meta-awareness that UCLA psychiatrist Dan Siegel calls mindsight.11 You can become conscious of your emotions; you can observe them and not react to them, just as Sidney did in his mindfulness practices.12

With mindsight you can notice and act on emotions that serve you well. Emotions that express your values—your desire to feel empathy and to help others—are important to act on. Sidney did this well. Emotions that motivate you to create or strive or persevere without excess also serve you well, including achievement motivation. Emotions that tell you to take care of your body are important to attend to. You can also notice the noisy emotions that are not helpful to act on, such as anxiety. Acting on noisy emotions is risky and may bring turmoil or regret. Instead, they need a good sit-down to settle down (see our practice later in this section).

As leaders take on bigger roles and more responsibilities, they do their best to project the confidence and optimism and potential that these roles call for. But, of course, the higher you rise the further you can fall. That realization leads the brain to produce what European coaching psychologist Erik de Haan calls the leader’s shadow.13 The shadow is a personal mixed bag of behaviors driven by agitated emotional states, such as fear and anxiety.

Shadow-driven behaviors include overdrive, hubris, hypercontrol, arrogance, self-promotion, and avoidance. The brain intends these emotional states to be protective, but instead they block or distort access to objective awareness and understanding. Leadership shadows are sometimes called leadership derailers because they take you away from leading consciously.

We saw Sidney’s leadership shadows in action. His childhood experiences with a tough, harsh parent led to shadow-driven behaviors when he was under stress as a leader, including being hypercritical and impatient. Sidney was able to tap into his growth mindset and transform his shadow states into self-awareness, self-regulation, and growth—what psychologists call integration, and what mindfulness experts call self-transcendence, as you will see in the practice section.

The next frontier of emotional intelligence is what Dan Siegel (who defined mindsight) and Richard Ryan (cofounder of self-determination theory), call integration—the place where noisy, uncomfortable emotions go to settle.14 Integration is a natural process that transforms one’s internal noise into new clarity, calm, and strength.

Siegel describes integration as a process of linking differentiated brain networks—that is, connecting a neural pathway “groove” to other neural networks so that your mental activity is released from the groove. These neural grooves can feel chaotic (out of control—anxious, afraid, or hopeless) or rigid (too controlled—impatient or angry). By contrast, an integrated state after connecting to other brain networks feels relaxed and balanced, at least for a while until the next agitated emotions arise.15

In the best moments of coaching, coaches work with leaders in the zone of potential integration. Emotional arousal is the call to integrate agitated emotions into more clarity and objectivity. Moments of integration can emerge out of playing with different vantage points, ideas, and perspectives. They arrive with a sense of insight, of resolution: So that’s what is going on here. Now I see. That’s an interesting perspective. I think I can do that. Never thought of that before.

Over time, with plenty of integration, a leader’s noisy ego gets quieter, even in a crisis. A quieter ego enables cleaner, more conscious leadership—where your focus is unimpaired and your goodness can shine through.

You can now understand how mindsight and integration brought about a more relatable Sidney with a quieter ego. A more conscious Sidney was better at listening and collaboration. His team trusted him more than when he was snappy, impatient, and critical.

American psychologists Jack Bauer and Heidi Wayment have defined the quiet ego as being mindful, emotionally intelligent, compassionate, and growth oriented, in a balanced state of concern for self and others.16 The quiet ego is just beginning to be studied by leadership researchers. Even without research, we can see that conscious leaders like Sidney develop a quieter ego over time. Given that shadow states generate a noisy, self-focused ego, aspiring for a quieter ego certainly sounds like a good compass setting for leaders—“perhaps for all of us.”

Interestingly, Heidi Wayment and her team published a study of business-to-business salespeople in which they concluded that a quiet ego improves selling behaviors, especially in conflicts. They note that a quiet ego means “having the quiet strength to ask for what you need in a way that is good for you and good for others.”17

In Step One you stabilize and prepare your mind for integration.

1. Mental dial. Imagine you have a mental dial in your brain that you can use to dial various brain networks up or down.
2. Pause thinking. Dial DOWN your frontal networks (in your forehead) for thinking and judging. Then you are not analyzing and judging yourself.
3. Detach from emotions. Dial UP your mindsight brain network that detaches from aroused emotions. Rather than feeling strong emotions, you observe them. For example, rather than feeling ANGRY, you notice a feeling of anger.
4. Focus your attention. Dial UP your attention network and focus your attention as if it’s a spotlight that you can move around your brain, expanding or narrowing at will.
5. Focus on experiencing. Focus your attention spotlight on networks in the back of your brain that are open and receptive, and take in sensory information. Focus on experiencing (not thinking or feeling) your mental and emotional activity.

Now that your mind is stable and receptive, experience your shadow state. Bring to mind an uncomfortable state of emotional arousal triggered by a leadership challenge.

1. Experience fully. Experience the agitated emotional state in your brain and body. Dial UP the emotional volume—let it rise and expand, to move up and out as if it were a cloud or wave of emotional energy that can move up and out. Stay neutral and observant. (As much as possible, keep the thinking and judging networks dialed DOWN.)
2. Give the emotional state a name. Describe the aroused emotional state in a granular way. Perhaps it’s impatient frustration or irritated impatience or disappointed irritation. The more granular you are, the more your brain can detach and loosen the Velcro grip of your ego noise.

Now it’s time to regulate your shadow.

1. Self-compassion. Dial UP kindness toward your aroused state. Feel compassion for our shared humanity—you are not the first or last leader to feel this way.
2. Acceptance. Dial UP acceptance. Accept that this agitated state is a necessary, though unpleasant, experience on your leadership path.
3. Understand the purpose. Appreciate that the purpose of the aroused emotional state is not to derail you but to offer a healthy path to integration into something good—new calm, strength, and even wisdom.

Now it’s time to transcend your shadow.

1. Expand your perspectives. Try out the intellectual stimulation process we describe in chapter 9, one of four components of transformational leadership you can apply to self-transformation. Dial UP the brainstorming brain network. Seek, generate, and welcome a wide variety of views and perspectives on the situation that is arousing or agitating you.
2. Set aside. Change the channel by shifting your focus to other activities, such as relaxing, sleeping well, exercising, or going for a walk. You are giving your brain the space it needs to automatically perform its natural function of integration when you are not focused on the agitated state.
3. Notice when you feel a shift. The uncomfortable state has relaxed or faded. Maybe after a good night’s sleep. Maybe during or after a generative conversation or coaching session. Maybe after a walk or workout. Integration is a gentle receiving process; it is not an effortful push like getting through a to-do list.

As you can see, the integration process is a natural growth process. You can trust that integration will lift you out of your ego noise and increase your consciousness and objectivity. You will welcome new and bigger challenges that generate new ego noise, switching ON your growth mindset. When you make time for self-awareness, regulation, and transcendence or integration, your leadership will become calmer and clearer and stronger. You will lead with more pleasure and less strain.

Mike, the CEO of a fast-growing travel services organization, had a positive and perhaps overly inflated sense of himself, believing he was self-aware and self-controlled in feelings and actions. He tended to be introverted and quiet, yet decisive and fast moving, with a strong sense of authority and belief in himself. Although still young for a CEO, he spent a few years working successfully in investment banking, where the competitive culture taught him to communicate with confidence, vision, and a strong presence. He was transformational in his focus on innovation, risk-taking, and work ethic.

A 360-feedback assessment, along with discussions with his colleagues, revealed dissonance between how Mike shows up in one-on-one situations versus group presentations (to the board of directors, investors, senior team, and even the larger organization of about a hundred staff during town hall meetings). In the latter, he comes across as competent, focused, intentional, even inspirational. By contrast, in more intimate situations, colleagues noted that his physical presence contrasts with his public persona: He tends to be distracted, terse, and directive. He sometimes asks questions, but doesn’t take time to listen to the answers. He becomes impatient if a colleague is not quick to respond.

Physically, he comes across as anxious and uncomfortable, with shaking knees, bouncing legs, and an inability to sit still. He continuously taps his pen on the desk and continually glances at his watch or smartphone. He appears overworked, tired, and unaware of how he’s coming across, causing many to feel uncomfortable and doubt his confidence. He sometimes barks orders and cuts meetings short, leaving colleagues confused and nonplussed. There is a major disconnect between his public and private personas.

Feedback on this behavior was tough for Mike to accept. But ultimately, with self-reflection and coaching, he developed the ability to first self-regulate and then self-transcend—to turn the agitation into calm. It wasn’t immediately obvious to Mike that his physical presence in smaller intimate settings contradicted his sense of self as grounded and centered, and that his anxiety, although hidden behind strong speaking skills, left his team wondering whether he was insecure or uncomfortable in his role.

While this chapter emphasizes that the ability to become present to one’s emotional, mental, and physical states improves with consistent practice, showing up with heightened awareness in one context doesn’t guarantee it will spread to every domain. Mike was highly self-aware and self-regulated in group settings—where the stakes were high. But his awareness of himself and others was offline in intimate settings, where he reverted to his “lower self.”

Recognizing and regulating his agitated states with his colleagues were important steps forward for Mike. Once he became aware of the disconnect, he could see the benefit of incorporating mindfulness practices into his routine. In fact, taking a few moments to calm himself, breathe deeply, center, and focus were practices that he dusted off. He had learned them in programs to develop presentation skills—to get ready to speak eloquently and with executive presence in group settings.

Taking just a small amount of time to calm his anxiety, get clear on who he wanted to be with his colleagues—steady, curious, connected, grounded—helped him show up as more relaxed, open, and ready to listen.