CHAPTER 1

LOVE IS THE ANSWER

Starting the first chapter in a book on leadership with the word love is risky business. Here come those mushy soft skills again! But then again, were you not interested, or at least curious, you wouldn’t be reading the book anyway, right? We love that you chose to do so. Oops, there’s that word again. Love.

The word love is used in many different contexts, and we toss the word around like a Frisbee. Most of the time, we use love in reference to personal spheres of our lives, our relationships. We build connections with one another and sometimes eventually grow to love each other. We love our partners, our families, our friends. And they love us back. It feels good. But sometimes we love things that don’t love us back. This is a more impersonal sphere of love. We love reading. We love burritos. We love burritos (no, our editor did not miss that—we love burritos a lot. It’s worth stating twice.). Sometimes we throw up our jazz hands and say, “I love it!” If we aren’t the type of person who uses jazz hands, we still feel love.

Yet, when it’s used in the context of the workplace, or more specifically the people in our workplace, we shun the notion of love. We say to ourselves, “Wait, what? I can’t just exude love to my coworkers and subordinates. I’ll look weak. It would be inappropriate. What would they think?” We may say we love our work, and that’s equally as meaningful as saying we love burritos, but let’s be honest—they are burritos after all! So, where does love fit?

Before we tackle these questions, we want to begin by simply making the case for love, because before we can permeate our leadership with love, we need to ground ourselves in an understanding of what love is. And spoiler alert—ten thousand years of philosophical exploration has us no closer to getting a handle on this. It’s familiar, maybe too much so, to the point that the word has become almost meaningless. But there are ways for us to envision love, apply it in our daily lives, and be better leaders for it. So, allow us to introduce the notion of love! We say introduce because we believe love is something that infuses our lives, yet many still take it for granted. We think we know what love means, how it makes us feel, and that there are many types of love. Let’s see what we can uncover.

The Concept of Love

An introduction to the concept of love may seem like a pointless endeavor. Is it worth the presentation of such a common notion? One we all share? If we all know what love is, why the need to introduce it? Because while love may be there in parts of our lives (see partners and burritos above), it’s missing in other parts, namely leadership. We generally find love only in places where we feel comfortable expressing it. What about the parts of our lives that we never thought needed our love? If we gain a better understanding of this tricky concept, we’ll be able to spread love in everything we do, from our homes to our workplaces.

The philosophical foundation of love is worth a quick look. The Greeks rocked the house with their depiction of seven types of love, but you may find yourself struggling with pronunciation. We certainly did. Here’s how the Greeks viewed love in today’s lingo (see table 1):

Storge. Ever try to describe the love feeling you have for your offspring, sometimes known as children, and directly applicable except during the teenage years? This would also apply to parents and to well-behaved brothers and sisters. This love is problematic to describe, but we use it often, mostly on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. We love our family regardless of their personality or political leanings (except during the holidays when forced to sit through a dinner of turkey or ham). This is what storge (pronounced “store-jay”) describes. It is not physical or sexual, but rather family-like, or familiar. It stems from some level of dependency, especially early on (child to parent) and later on (parent to child).

Philia. Has anyone ever told you that you should date your best friend or that long-lasting relationships start with friendship? This friendship love is called philia, and it is all about affection and not romance. You don’t have to be physically or sexually attracted to feel philia. Philia, the love you have for another, is more about being able to trust the person, see the good in the person, and be able to depend on the person. So, as far as the phrase “Let’s just be friends,” well, maybe that ain’t so bad? Nah, it’s pretty bad. Sorry. The good news is that this friendship love is usually shared between equals, and at some point in this love relationship each person grows with the other because of mutual respect, admiration, and trust.

Eros. Eros is the love we most often think of when we say love. Yes, this is what we refer to when we say we are madly in love, or we fell in love, or we found the one. And no thanks to movies that often depict this love in inaccessible ways by creating scenarios that make us feel a little inadequate when searching for the love of our life! Eros is the love that describes a physical, sexual, heart-stopping love we feel for another person, and not always in a dimly lit room after many drinks. This love is described as romantic, as passionate, and sometimes as madness (which happens to be the name of our sailboat). Some attest that eros doesn’t last past the honeymoon stage, but others say it can last a lifetime. So, the next time you encounter someone for whom you feel this pull, tug, or connection and you just can’t stop thinking about them, remember it is love, eros love.

Table 1. Greek Love at a Glance

Pragma. This is a love that evolves over time, between two people who basically decided to make it work, regardless of what might be missing with respect to passion or attraction. It is often found between people who have been together for so long, they have learned how to compromise for the good of the partnership. So that silence you hear at Grandma and Grandpa’s house may simply be pragma love. It may have started with eros, but over time the mutual goals became more important than individual goals or even individual happiness. In the best of cases, it may be philia-like if the couple remain friends. However, pragma in its purest form is much more identifiable in situations where a couple stays together out of a contractual sense of obligation. Sadly, this love is more common than one might think.

Agape. Think Mother Teresa. This unconditional, all-giving love is not often experienced or seen. Few people can truly exhibit this love over a long period of time because it is the kind of love that requires a human being to give at an almost-superhuman level. Sometimes described as spiritual and otherworldly, agape is exhibited by people who would suffer in order to ensure the happiness of others. This is more than simply holding the door open for someone who needs help or dropping a few dollars in someone’s violin case, hat, or cup. It has no conditions and serves only the best interest of others. It has been described as altruism; however, altruism also comes with physiological benefits. Consider agape as a love that is felt for others, and for all others, at one’s own expense.

Ludus. Think back to the days when you and your friends would go out and hit a bar. If you still do this, we’re up for hearing the stories! You do a little people watching. And then you see it, someone scoping the scene and catching the eye of another at the far end of the room. The playful dance ensues: eye contact, sauntering, smiling from ear to ear, turning on the charm, and being coy. Both parties know that this may or may not lead to anything serious, but who knows? The folks you’re observing don’t know each other, so this can’t be eros love. Nonetheless, there is something there, a level of infatuation and discovery, and a little wooing. You are witnessing ludus love, or playful love. This could lead to more, but at that moment there are no commitments, just this desire to seduce or be seduced by this person. Ludus could potentially turn into the “friends with benefits” scenario, and we’ll leave it at that!

Philautia. Philautia is the love that matters most, the love for self. Without this love, you cannot truly love another. We are not talking about narcissism or self-centeredness or even self-confidence. Philautia is about being able to love yourself enough to forgive yourself, nurture yourself, be kind to yourself, and take care of yourself. This includes self-esteem and a sense of self-worth. We have all heard the saying “You can’t take care of someone you love if you don’t take care of yourself.” Even the airlines ask you to put on your own oxygen mask before attending to your child. Being able to recognize your worth and value, respecting yourself, and exhibiting self-compassion are paramount to being able to lead and love those you lead. This kind of love alleviates the need to be recognized by others, or lauded by your own leadership, or being the star of the show. When you feel this kind of love, you are not seeking validation or recognition externally because you already know and love yourself with all of your gifts, flaws, strengths, and weaknesses. You recognize, accept, and love the real you.

Importantly, and above all of the other types of love mentioned previously, philautia is crucial for one’s ability to lead others. When you possess this authentic, humble self-love, you are able to open yourself up to growth and development. You love yourself. You accept who you are. You are not afraid of failure and are open to taking risks. This includes both personal or professional relationships. Philautia opens up the possibility of growing, stretching, and learning about yourself and those around you. A setback does not destroy someone strong in philautia. Failure doesn’t lessen their self-value or give way to blame and ridicule. Letdowns result in forgiving of self and others.

Since the Greeks created their conceptions of love, the world saw love manifest itself in numerous ways over time. Love was the focus of many musicals and plays through the Middle Ages and the Renaissance, and into the modern age. Movies, television shows, and novels commonly tell the story of love. And as stories were told, images of love emerged.

He whom love touches not walks in darkness. —Plato

Symbols of love abound. One might ask, why is this important? They are there for a reason—to remind us of love. These symbols remind us that love exists, that we need love in our lives, and that we feel love. And for the record, this is not lost on people in the workplace. Think about it—do we ignore and not even think about love while at work? We’ll get to that.

So what about these symbols, and where are they? Figure 1 provides a quick glance at what many of these may look like. No one could stroll through the Greek conceptions of love without mentioning Cupid—a messy amalgamation of Greek and Roman mythology. He was known to the Greeks as Eros and to the Romans as Cupid, an infant child (with muscles?) wielding a bow and a quiver laden with golden arrows and targeting unsuspecting souls with affection, love, and attraction. Why a baby was ever allowed to play with a bow and arrows is beyond our comprehension, but this did predate child labor laws and modern social services organizations.

But let’s give Cupid a break. The dude was an early symbol of love among the masses and continues to dominate the “Oh, that reminds me of love” landscape. So, he has that going for him. And symbols matter. They allow free association, often immediate, with emotions and feelings. Their importance can’t be denied. The “right” logo on a handbag, a polo shirt, or the hood of a car sends an instant message to the recipient. No extraneous talk necessary!

Many symbols have competed for top billing with Cupid. First on the list is the heart, the origin of which is not, despite how much we’d like it to be, from the box of sweetheart candies originally produced by Necco. These Valentine’s Day faves had subtle messages imprinted on the candy and probably contributed more to the spread of the common cold than sneezing in a subway or sharing a tissue with a stranger.

Nope. The origin of the heart is far more muddled, everything from a cooking herb to a part of the human anatomy. The herb argument stems from a large species of fennel called silphium found on the North African coastline, shaped much like a heart. It served the Greeks and Romans in a range of ways, including as birth control, a cooking herb, and medicine. It must have worked because it was extinct by the first century AD. Other than the fennel theory, the heart-shaped symbol, depending on whom you talk to, may have originated from European playing cards, an ivy leaf, religion, or a water lily. Artists in the Middle Ages are sometimes given credit for the heart, as they produced anatomical drawings as part of the study of medicine. Other symbols of love exist as well, and the variety may astound you.

Apples—yes, the ones you probably picked up at the grocery store a few days ago—are associated with love. So is the apple blossom as a sign of ecstasy, abundance, fertility, adoration, or union. This reference is seen in China, where the blossom is linked to adulation, and appears a great deal in Greek mythology, where apples were presented as gifts at weddings or for the sole purpose of courting a goddess.

Another symbol of love, and often used for wooing, is roses. Ah, yes, the dozen red for Valentine’s Day or to say “I’m sorry.” Usually it works, and maybe that is because the rose still symbolizes not only love but devotion, honor, beauty, wisdom, and the idea of forever. In Greek mythology, Aphrodite, the goddess of love, is seen wearing roses, sometimes from head to toe, probably because it was from her lover Adonis’s blood that the rose first emerged, symbolizing his eternal love for her. Speaking of blood, the red tulip symbolizes what some call perfect love. The short bummer story is that a prince fell in love, and when his lover was killed, he committed suicide. From every spot where his blood droplets touched, a red tulip bloomed.

Jewelry plays a role in the symbolic representation of love as well, sort of. The Celtic love knot is found in various designs that are often used in rings and necklaces. With no beginning or end, representing eternity, this design signifies never-ending love. The Claddagh ring symbolizes a legend about a fisherman who was separated from his love and was forced to work as a slave in Africa. This story inspired the creation of the Claddagh ring, depicting a heart with a crown being held up by two hands. We see these symbols in necklaces too, such as the menat symbol, from ancient Egypt. It was fashioned as a necklace made of many beads in a crescent shape in front with a counterweight at the back. This necklace was believed to bring about potency, fertility, joy, and good luck.

Let’s not forgot our flying friends like the ladybug, who may or may not be a lady. The ladybug is purported to be an indication of good luck, and in the Asian culture it also represents love. The story is that if you capture a ladybug and release it, it will find your true love and drop a hint by saying your name, and your newly found love will somehow search you out on the internet (this is true, except for the internet part). The best part is that you can pretty much guess when you should be all dressed up and waiting because the number of spots on the ladybug’s back will tell you how many months it will take for that love to find you. Maybe this was the precursor to today’s dating websites?

Other symbols that fly are evident in some of our more common birds. A careful observation of two swans facing each other reveals the obvious heart shape formed by their necks and heads. And who hasn’t been to a wedding where a basket of doves are released, hopefully without incident? Doves are liberated at weddings because it is believed that doves will seek out and find their soulmates on Valentine’s Day, the national day of love. Lovebirds are also a symbol of love because of their affectionate personalities; they will sit side by side, cozying up and cooing with their partner for hours, rarely being apart. Some suggest that lovebirds are unable to survive without their mate, so maybe the relationship is more pragma, but for the purposes of this book, we’ll stick with the love angle.

Lastly, we would be remiss if we didn’t give Valentine’s Day a shout-out as a love symbol. On February 14 each year, untold numbers of people flock to the store to purchase heart-shaped knickknacks, candies, and chocolates. Millions more buy roses or other symbols of love. Not many buy apples, and frankly, that would be received well by only the most astute observer of love. Nonetheless, on February 14 we all get to witness the panicked American wandering the aisle of the neighborhood grocery store, having completely forgotten what day it was and seeking to purchase a suitable symbolic gift. Is nothing on sale?

What is so strange is that the origin of Valentine’s Day is fraught with some pretty grisly stuff. It was named after the Roman priest born in AD 226 who was reported to have encouraged marriage among the populace and was imprisoned by Emperor Claudius II. During his imprisonment he became close (more philia than eros) to Julia, the daughter of one of the jailers, Asterius. He was sentenced to die in a most gruesome fashion. Just prior to his death, he sent a kind note to Julia—the first Valentine’s Day card. He signed it, “From your Valentine.” The rest is history.

Enough about the types of love and the symbols that we see to remind us of love. Let’s get to the topic of love. What is it? Selflessness? Affection? Warmth? Compassion? Attraction? We learned a little in our search for love from Greek philosophers, studly infants, kitchen herbs, doves, and an imprisoned priest. But we still fall short. Fast-forward to pop culture, and there’s no shortage of attempts to capture what love is, ranging from Aretha to Beyoncé to Manilow. Love remains a topic of great interest in the worlds of philosophy, advertising, poetry, and science. People with lots of degrees do their best to capture what love is, and isn’t, and how it impacts us. Love appears in various forms, but the fact is, love transcends all of our attempts to define it.

We know that acts of love and compassion predate our conscious memories. Researchers have shown, for example, that eighteen-month-old children will seek to comfort another if they sense sadness. This is before their perception of exchange develops, so there’s nothing in it for them that they know of. Very young children don’t make the assessment that if they show compassion, they will get something in return. This tells us that love is biological and part of the human makeup.

In a fascinating ongoing study—since 1938, to be precise—scientists at Harvard recruited 268 sophomores to attempt to assess the secret to a happy and healthy life. As of 2017, 19 of the original 238 were still alive, and the data collected by what is referred to as the Harvard Study of Adult Development revealed the role that love and relationships play as we age. Contrary to popular belief, neither IQ nor socioeconomic circumstances had the same level of impact. Individuals with loving parents and with good relationships with sisters and brothers were happier and more successful than others.

Let’s think of love as an intensely intimate state of being, one where we connect at a personal level with those we care about—and yes, even those we lead. It exudes from deep within our soul, heart, mind, and body. Love is humanity embodied. It’s multifaceted and beautiful, even if we can’t put it into words. It’s more than a feeling, an emotion, or a scripted action—the latter of which is where leaders consistently fall short (more on that later). Charles Darwin once suggested that love was the distinctive human characteristic that allowed our species to thrive (Loye 2000). The resulting social network that humans build allows for the nurturing and care required for a species to survive. Makes sense. One thing we know for sure is that love has a biological and physiological impact on all of us.

What Happens When We Love and When We Don’t

That feeling we get when we love, or when we’re loved, is like no other. Some may describe it as a warm, cozy feeling. Others claim it feels like nausea. It’s actually both. And when love is absent in our lives, we experience feelings as well: emptiness, loneliness, even illness. Love has a way about it, physiologically and psychologically.

Consider the body’s reaction to love the equivalent of a chemistry experiment gone mad. Having a fundamental understanding of the brain’s role in love is important for two reasons: it’s cool and it makes you sound smart at parties. I’m thinkin’ there’s a little dopamine activity happening over there in the corner! All kidding aside, the complexity of the human physiological reaction to love is remarkably convoluted and in some aspects unknown. Scientists suspect that the neural activity related to love occurs in the hippocampus, the medial insula, the ventral tegmental area, the caudate nucleus, and the anterior cingulate cortex, among other Latin-sounding parts of our brain that we can’t spell. So, let’s keep this simple. A foundational overview is definitely worth the effort. Why in the world would anyone want to lead with love if they didn’t understand what love does to us physiologically? We want to help you understand the why behind love in the workplace before the how.

Let’s start with dopamine, that pesky little neurotransmitter sending signals all over the place, like the internet signal we wish we had. When dopamine is front and center, we have a robust desire to bond with others and feel that lighter-than-air feeling. Toss in some norepinephrine to enhance alertness and a corresponding decrease in serotonin, and before you know it, we are focusing on the object of our love to the point that we may do some off-the-wall things, like sending heart emojis, or apples, every five minutes. We’re still struggling with that apple thing.

Other neurochemicals play the love game as well. Oxytocin levels increase. Sounds familiar, right? Oxytocin has become a popular topic in leadership literature over the years. It enhances the feeling of bonding and helps build trust and empathy. To be fair, oxytocin has another face, and not a nice one. In some cases, it can lead one to be jealous or suspicious. Additionally, levels of the hormone vasopressin rise, contributing to the bonding feeling. And if you feel a little stressed, it’s because the level of the hormone cortisol increases, at least initially.

One of the more intriguing outcomes of the love dynamic is limbic resonance, which would be a great name for a band! Researchers have made a compelling argument that the limbic system, the part of the brain that controls such things as behavior, motivation, memory, and emotions, plays a significant part in the way human beings bond with one another. In their groundbreaking work, psychiatrists Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, and Richard Lannon discovered that our nervous systems are not self-contained; rather, they harmonize with others around us (Lewis et al. 2000). The idea, without using really big words, is that our nervous systems communicate with each other in a sort of neurological dance. We feel it when we’re in the presence of someone we connect with. It’s a positive vibe. And it’s pretty cool.

Psychologically, love feels, well, like love. And not just romantic love. Living a life with supportive, caring relationships can help us live longer and stay healthier. We are less self-conscious and enjoy higher levels of self-esteem. Love can also boost our immune systems and combat depression. We’re happier. And after that initial blast of cortisol returns to normal, we reach a blissful balance, a flow where we are more content with life.

The absence of love in our life is a sad state of affairs. When we do not love, or we are unloved, the impact on our being can be extreme. Declining self-esteem, depression, and emotional disconnection can occur. Even in the earliest stages of our lives, babies who do not experience holding and cuddling may show developmental delays or illness. One study found that infants who suffered from a lack of suitable physical and emotional attention registered different levels of vasopressin and oxytocin in their systems, even after having spent three years in a family setting (Fries et al. 2005). Recall that these two hormones are critical in later life for bonding and connection with other humans.

Social isolation not only contributes to a lack of love in our communities but also has been shown to directly contribute to higher mortality rates. In fact, isolation and loneliness is especially troublesome when seeking love in our lives. A groundbreaking 2015 meta-analysis by Julianne Holt-Lunstad and a team of neuroscientists and psychologists at Brigham Young University revealed that social isolation increased the chances of early death by 29 percent, and loneliness increased the rate of mortality by 26 percent—no matter the subject’s age, gender, location, or culture (Holt-Lunstad et al. 2015). Cigna’s U.S. Loneliness Index found that in 2020, 61 percent of Americans reported being lonely (Cigna 2020).

It seems logical, doesn’t it? We depend on one another. We need one another. We need to love one another. And since we know that research connects love, attachment, and social bonding to the human limbic system, we know this is driven from deep within ourselves. But it transcends self. We are interconnected with those with whom we come in contact, those we are most close to, and those we lead. We have a biological imperative for love and all the wonderful accouterments—kindness, gratitude, empathy. Dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin all dance a beautiful jig in making this happen. Love matters, or it should. And if it matters, what’s wrong with love in leadership?

Where there is love, there is life. —Mahatma Gandhi

When Love Is Missing in Leadership

By this time, we’re thinking that we have you on the hook for learning a few new Greek words and recognizing the importance of love. And when it comes to a dear friend, a puppy, a partner, or a relative, who’s to disagree, right? So why not in the workplace? Why not as the foundation of our leadership practice?

We can hear the doubters now.

The words love and leadership are not often coupled together. Leadership author and advisor Mike Myatt said it well:

God bless ya, Mike.

Sadly, too many managers have historically considered expressions of love as inappropriate and crossing the line. Give us a break!

The line? What line? The human line? There seems to be an inherent tension for some when discussing the ultimate soft skill and coupling it with our role as leaders. There’s a fear of the softness, the unexplained, and the complex. And that’s precisely what love requires: a comfort with the unknown. We’re dealing with human hearts and souls here. It’s not part of a manual, and there is no certification at the end of the tunnel. It’s unpredictable raw human emotion full of tears, joy, and fright. Engaging love is novel, and scary, so many leaders fear the presence.

Contrast this with the comfort level that many find with our habitual patterns of leading. Look closely. One of the most common approaches is the documented checklists of what we should be doing, or what someone with a lot of TED Talks told us we should be doing. To wit: The leader heads to work. Before exiting the subway or getting out of his car, he refers to his “I’m a Whatever Leader” pocket guide, which takes him step-by-step through the process that will guarantee leadership infamy and ultimate success. Our leader steps out onto a busy street, rehearsing just what to do in his mind. He’s got this! It’s a simple acronym like ILEADWELL or DOGFOOD or something catchy. The leader arrives at the office and the process begins. He stops at each office, every cubicle, with a forced “Good morning!” Check. “How are the kids?” Check. “How was your weekend?” Check. This is the leadership equivalent of the golf-clap, the polite approval of sinking a two-foot putt. It’s nothing more than the obligatory. It stems from our comfort with predictable processes, not from real human connection.

This contentment with the predictable originates from the way we think. We ask that you reread those last two sentences again. We’ll wait …

Yes, this takes us back to the brain! Consider the process by which the brain works. When we have a thought, neurons fire and connect along a neural pathway. Have those thoughts more often and we form a neural pathway. This pathway becomes our default way of thinking. It’s our go-to. From a psychological and evolutionary perspective, this makes sense. We have a characteristic human need for steadiness and predictability. We like the consistent. We need to know our place in the world, and if we’re a teenager, that very world revolves around us—sorry, couldn’t resist. But these thinking patterns serve another very important purpose. They allow us to maintain a stable sense of self, and this matters for our self-esteem and perception of self-worth.

Professionally, this type of patterned thought can be of great benefit to us. We master the technical thinking and skills necessary to hold a job or get a promotion. It’s far simpler to assess employee performance and compare staff skills. Personnel decisions are marvelously more understandable because we reduce our leadership responsibilities to solely measuring performance goals. We compare the completion of a project or the attainment of a certification across those we lead, and decision made! No love needed! This thinking can also be very helpful for quick problem-solving and reactions to emergencies. In these situations, our brain quickly finds that pre-established path, and bingo! Problem solved. Danger avoided.

So this is good, right? Not so fast. Yes, it helps us maintain a secure sense of who we are. Yes, it solidifies our perception and proficiency with the skills we bring to the table. But that’s it. The familiar sights, sounds, and experiences that envelop the predictable thought process may make us content, but they don’t allow us to stretch our minds or face instability. By centering ourselves on only what we’re most content with, and seeing only what is visibly measurable, we are blind to growth and bound to the status quo (or, as one of our authors refers to it, the “standard quo,” which, when you think about it, is actually correct as well!).

And this is precisely how love fails to make it into our leadership. We depend on established business processes, practice our deep-voice presentation style, ensure that we are seen in all the right places and have all the right books on our table. It’s easy. It’s process. It’s predictable. And it’s not love.

Our teams notice. Why? Because that limbic resonance isn’t there. Those we lead don’t feel it. They don’t feel it. People want emotion in their lives, and that includes the good and the bad. Happiness, disappointment, sadness, love. It enriches us. Researchers have uncovered evidence of strong links between emotions in the workplace and employee wellness and engagement. And these effects impact the bottom line. When positive emotional support and a fabric of caring are not present, mission accomplishment suffers. Sadly, our organizations are underperforming due to a lack of love on the part of our leaders.

Fiona Beddoes-Jones, PhD, founder and CEO of the Cognitive Fitness Consultancy in Grantham, England, presents a harsh reality. She found a longing for connection and love in her research on workplaces. Her research found that 65 percent of respondents felt there was a lack of love in organizations (Beddoes-Jones 2017).

A few other significant findings from her work:

Love. Not strategic planning. Not re-skilling. Not design thinking. Love. Beddoes-Jones describes this not as romantic love (eros) but rather as compassion, caring, and kindness. Is that so hard? And it’s not as though our workforce doesn’t deserve it. Now, more than ever, we are struggling with fear, anxiety, and loneliness. We are a nation in need. And we are in need of love in every part of our life.

OK, we know that we sound direct here, and nothing personal, but this falls squarely in the lap of leaders. Leaders are to blame. Sometimes we simply fail to see the value of love because we do not consider it a necessary part of organizational productivity, metrics, and structure. If it’s not on the organizational chart, it must not matter. If it’s not embedded in our annual 342-page strategic plan, in which we invest countless resources and which no one ever reads, it must be unimportant. Love gets left out.

We have all sorts of excuses for our oversight, some rather adorable. Leaders love to depend on catchphrases that they pull from some dank place and hang their very reputations on. You may hear, “It’s the mission that matters.” OK, got it. And I recall seeing the mission statement in the elevator. So, yeah, mission matters. At what cost? Or the next-of-kin phrasing “Mission first, people always!” Gotcha. So, we’re thinking we’ve covered all the bases with that one, huh? People are always there to perform the mission? Or are people always people? We’re lost on this one.

Some leaders are especially adept at avoiding the whole love-in-my-leadership debate. They all bring their own combination of charm, frustration, and silliness. But the sad fact is that we all fall in here somewhere, and it impacts our ability to love and lead. Here are a few examples:

The “I Got This” leader. Ah, the comfort we all must feel when this pronouncement is made. Things are going to be just fine because this leader has seen it all before. No questions necessary. Her wisdom and expertise know no bounds, and she is certain that her past experiences and vast knowledge will guarantee future success. We’ll revisit this leader a little later.

The “Catchphrase” leader. Imagine a conversation in which the leader uses every book title (except ours, of course), every acronym, and the latest biz lingo, all in one sentence. It happens! Too much surface here and not any depth. You can often find this leader in bookstores memorizing book titles.

The “Selfie” leader. This leadership type is a little scary because it borders on narcissism. In its worst form, this refers to leaders known for their grandiose self-image and lack of concern for others. They may be found bending over streams gazing at themselves. This type can also be driven by a serious lack of self-worth, with a soul that is searching for validation or approval from others.

The “Call Me by My Title” leader. Enough already. This is one of our biggest pet peeves. “Uh, call him Professor Malone, please! And that would be Dr. Sutch!” Love knows no titles. And hanging our importance or stature on the title in front of our name serves no purpose other than to inflate our ego. Not terribly conducive to love.

The “Show Me the Metrics” leader. Can we please not bow at the altar of metrics for just a few minutes? Measuring the most important things in life is much more complex than trending data. Connection, trust, feeling, and love all matter more. They set the stage for everything that’s measurable.

The “I Don’t Even Like Myself” leader. By far the saddest of all, but this type does exist. Activist and author Parker Palmer once suggested that there is nothing inherently wrong with self-care. He considered it stewardship of the most valuable thing we possess, ourselves. The ancient Greeks knew this. Philautia is the love that matters most.

Let’s not be too hard on ourselves. We all fall in here somewhere. We are imperfect humans and really imperfect leaders. But the answer is right there in front of us, and it is an urge we feel from infancy. Love is more than just OK. It is an absolute imperative if we are to be the leaders we want to be, to be the people we want to be. The word love has to become the core of who we are as a person before we can even imagine being the leader we want to be—even if we don’t know it.

So, Try This

How You Know You Are Letting Go and Getting Real

Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination, full of hope. —Maya Angelou

And Finally

When we understand what love truly is and the role it plays in our lives, we come to a sad conclusion: love is missing. We work with senior leaders across the country, and it never ceases to amaze us how often we underestimate the need for love, caring, empathy. Yes, they seek best practices. Yes, they seek the latest research. Yes, they seek strategic focuses on how to do design thinking and the like. But what they eventually acknowledge is their need for connection.

Love matters. It matters because with all that we have learned with respect to phenomenal leadership approaches, models, and philosophies, we still fail. Organizations still have toxic work environments, and pompous leaders unintentionally or even intentionally insult those they lead. The workforce is anxiety-ridden, lonely, and frightened. The latest leadership reports published by organizations that we all know the names of never mention the word love. Anywhere. When we fail to recognize the human need and capacity to love, we fail as leaders. Love is the crucial component in our lives, and our very survival depends upon its presence. In a perfect world, love abounds. Why not in the world of leadership?