CHAPTER ONE THE BENEFITS OF RADICAL LISTENING

Perhaps you are holding a copy of Radical Listening in a bookstore. Maybe you are reading a free sample chapter online. This moment might feel like a first date—as you try to decide whether this feels right for you. From a business perspective, you might be asking, “Why should I purchase this book? What is the value of engaging with it?” It is also possible, of course, that you have already purchased this book. But even then, it is reasonable for you to be wondering whether this book is worth the investment of your time and mental energy. We are glad that you have these questions. Let’s address them straightaway!

To start with, if this were a first date, we would be delighted. You are the person with whom we want to connect. You are interested in enhancing your listening and you are curious—the perfect reader! This book is all about listening and the art of true connection. The basic unit of communication is the conversation. It is how we come to know one another, teach and learn from one another, cooperate in groups, care for each other, and challenge one another. It is how we fall in love, how we convey our needs and wants, how we acknowledge and appreciate others. At least half of all conversations are made up of the dynamic skills of listening. When you listen better, you improve the quality of conversations. In turn, better conversations lead to better relationships.

Now is the time to learn about Radical Listening. We live in an era where connection is sorely needed. People living in many technologically and economically developed societies are getting lonelier. In the United States, for instance, levels of trust have been declining over the last fifty years.1 In one survey, about a quarter of all people in Great Britain said that they experience loneliness “always, often, or some of the time.”2 It is a statistic that is concerning enough that a Minister of Loneliness was appointed. In addition, increases in screen time mean that people spend less and less time in-person with their friends and family members. Even when people sit together, they can be glued to the many screens that they now access on a minute-by-minute basis. The sense of isolation was magnified by the COVID-19 pandemic and the strict quarantine, social distancing, and face-masking measures. A lack of connection is not only a social issue, it has physical consequences. Research reveals that the increased risk of heart disease, stroke, depression, and dementia—including a higher likelihood of premature death—is roughly equivalent to smoking fifteen cigarettes a day.3 Better human relationships may be the remedy and Radical Listening is one of the ways of strengthening the connections between us. By listening radically, we can connect with one another effectively, have more engaging conversations, improve our relationships, and experience greater levels of well-being.

A quick glance at your news app will remind you that we are living through an era of increased violence, tribalism, and conflict. There are highly visible armed conflicts in Ukraine, the Middle East, Sudan, and many other parts of the world. A recent poll from the Pew Charitable Trust reveals that Americans today are more likely to demonize fellow citizens who do not share their political views.4 For example, in 2016, 41 percent of survey respondents thought that members of the opposing political party were immoral. By 2022, that number had spiked to 66 percent. In fact, the Chicago Council Survey found that most Americans consider other Americans to be the biggest threat to their way of life (2023).5

Even in the face of such polarization, we dispense with ineffective exhortations about “doing the right thing” and “being kind” in favor of making the case that Radical Listening will be good for you and the people around you. Yes, even as you listen to others better, you will benefit from the approaches set out in this book. You will develop stronger connections with others; increase the positive relationships in your life; and be perceived as an empowering and empathetic leader, colleague, or parent. The people you listen to will be able to do their best thinking; feel valued and appreciated; and feel connected to a wider network. The most powerful aspect of Radical Listening is that it is a mutually beneficial interaction.

WHAT IS SO RADICAL ABOUT THIS APPROACH?

The word “radical” does not appear in the title of this book by chance. However, we do not mean to suggest that radical is synonymous with “shocking” or to imply that our approach to listening is wholly original. Instead, we claim that there are elements of our approach that are novel and that differ from or extend current thinking on listening. There are three basic ways in which Radical Listening is radical.

First, what makes this approach radical is the notion that the starting point for listening is to be clear about your intention as the listener. Intentionality is what distinguishes listening from hearing. Is your intention to strengthen your relationship with the other person? Would you like to increase trust with a team? Are you hoping to influence a group of investors? Do you just want to give a boost to a friend who is going through a rough time? We argue that the intention of the listener changes the contours of conversation.

Next, Radical Listening differs from other approaches to listening in its understanding of what is occurring. Conventionally, listening is considered to be a way of taking in information. Conventional listening is about comprehension and clarification. By contrast, our approach suggests that listening is one of the most effective ways of strengthening relationships and creating opportunities. It replaces the concept of “information” with that of “connection.”

Finally, Radical Listening is not passive. It is tempting to think of listening as a reactive act: receiving sounds. Active listening disputes this by suggesting that listeners can check for comprehension by repeating or clarifying what a speaker says. Radical Listening builds on this by adding even more active skills such as asking follow-up questions.

WHAT IS THE RADICAL LISTENING FRAMEWORK?

Before we delve into the practical skills and strategies needed to engage in Radical Listening, let us have a look at the theory upon which this practice is based (please see Figure 1.1: The Radical Listening framework).

You will see “positive intention” right at the heart of the framework. Radical Listening starts with a positive intention to listen to people in a way that will strengthen rapport. This intention can present itself in many ways: by treating your conversational partners with dignity and respect; by going the extra mile to understand them; by showing an unambiguous interest in them and the issues they face. The first distinction is whether you are listening for something or in order to do something.

“Listening For”

When we have asked great communicators how they listen, the most common responses relate to what they were listening for. That is, great listeners are aware of what, exactly, they are keeping an ear out for. Some examples:

• • Some talked about listening for emotions: “I pay particular attention to how people are feeling. What emotions can I pick up from their tone of voice or body posture? Do they explicitly talk about their feelings?”
• • Others listen for what is not said: “I like to notice gaps in what the other person is saying. What are they leaving out of their narrative? Are there some topics that they seem to be avoiding? I use silences to invite them to articulate what they may be thinking.”
• • Good communicators listen for motivation. “What motivates the people that I am talking to? I look for clues about what excites them. If their eyes sparkle, or they start becoming more animated, I know that I am onto something. I then spend time digging a bit deeper by asking about the topics that seem to be most meaningful.”
• • Other communicators describe themselves as strengths-spotters. They are listening for strengths and resources that emerge during conversations. When they hear about strengths, they highlight these: “it sounds like you’re very creative,” or “from what you’re saying, I’m getting a sense that you’re highly adaptable.” Rather than picking up on weaknesses or gaps in knowledge, these communicators draw attention to what is already there, or what is working.

Not surprisingly, these are all good techniques to use when listening. By listening for things in the conversation that can increase motivation or help others to understand themselves better, Radical Listeners can support people to achieve great results.

“Listening (In Order) To”

Good active listening includes the techniques highlighted in the previous section. Radical Listening goes one step further by being clear about the intention for listening. This can happen before a single word has been spoken. Identifying your intention for listening is the first step of Radical Listening. In other words, knowing your primary motivation before the start of a conversation increases the chances that it will be beneficial for both you and the people you will be listening to. As the term implies, it is helpful to know the main reason that you will be listening to someone.

Radical Listening is predicated on the idea that human beings have the ability to listen for differing purposes. That is why we have included the common human motivations for listening in the framework. Each is discussed here. We have divided them into social motivations (where the purpose is related to human relationships) and cognitive motivations (where the purpose is related to support thinking processes).

The Radical Listening framework (Figure 1.1) presents the primary motivations in the outer circle. Before engaging in listening, it is essential to be clear about the intention of the interaction. At the center of the model are the fundamental skills of Radical Listening. Some of these skills are hidden during conversations. They relate to cognitive processes within the mind of the Radical Listener. This is why they are identified as “internal.” They are presented on the left. The other three skills are visible during conversations (these are identified as “external”). They are behavioral interventions that can be used during Radical Listening.

Internal Skills

The effective use of internal skills is essential in facilitating the social conditions for Radical Listening to occur. Noticing requires the listener to be attentive during conversations. When a person is good at noticing, they can direct their attention to what is most important for a particular interaction. Noticing includes the ability to pay attention, scan for information, and determine what is relevant. Quieting is the ability to bring a sense of calm to the conversation by using silences and strategic pauses. This involves managing internal dialogue and emotions so that the listener can give their full attention to the conversation. Accepting can be particularly challenging for some people. This involves adopting a stance of openness to what others may bring to the conversation. The listener respects the right of others to hold personal opinions and accepts their views as permissible within the conversation. This does not mean that the listener must agree with the views. However, in Radical Listening, people should feel that they are entitled to have and openly voice their views and opinions.

External Skills

We also identify some external skills that are necessary for Radical Listening conversations. These will be much more noticeable—they are interventions that you will be making during the conversations. Acknowledging is the act of explicitly recognizing the efforts, perspectives, strengths, values, or principles of the other person. When we acknowledge others, they feel seen, understood, and appreciated. Questioning is the skill of asking thought-provoking questions that demonstrate interest and curiosity. When used intentionally, questions can encourage deeper reflection, new perspectives, and innovative ideas. At first glance, interjecting may seem out of place as a skill of listening. In this case, interrupting your conversational partner is used to show full and enthusiastic engagement. Interjections are used to build energy, strengthen connections, and show interest.

In this section, we have presented the framework that underpins Radical Listening. In the coming chapters, we will consider each aspect so that you can develop your understanding and practice of the skills of Radical Listening. Our intention in this book is to support you to have better conversations, rather than simply understand some of the factors that lead to positive interactions. As a first step, let us make sure that we are all aware of some of the things that could be getting in the way of building better connections with other people.

BARRIERS TO LISTENING

We live in a world that is getting busier and busier! Rather than reducing our workload, advances in technology seem to be providing us with even more things that draw our attention. Cell phones, tablets, virtual reality headsets, and wearable devices now compete with more traditional forms of communication and entertainment to keep us engaged—for almost all our waking hours. The pace of change, constant innovation, and sheer volume of information available can easily overwhelm us.

How much more difficult is it nowadays to have a family meal or a social gathering where people listen to one another? What percentage of those present will be looking at their devices? In any thirty-minute interval, how often will a phone ring or a message ping? To what extent are people fully immersed in the conversations that are taking place? In this context, it is a wonder that we are still able to protect time to have meaningful conversations with other human beings. But despite these challenges, and maybe because of them, it is becoming more and more important for us to enhance our ability to communicate well.

LISTENING AT WORK

Traditional views of listening link it with specific contexts. For example, a person can listen to the symphony of morning birdsong, to the sound of an oncoming ambulance, or to the crash of dishes in a restaurant kitchen. Each of these examples seems to suggest that there is simultaneously some common aspect of listening—hearing, for example—as well as something unique to listening in each context. Most of the listening we discuss in Radical Listening centers on human-to-human contexts. Typically, this means conversation. Conversations are central to most social interactions. Listening to a manager give instructions, to the questions of a new employee, or to the feedback of a customer are all examples of the importance of listening at work.

Listening, we know, is often swept into that ever-increasing group of competencies known as soft skills. Ironically, these are skills that are important to businesses because they facilitate people collaborating, influencing, planning, reflecting, and engaging in other psychological processes. Increasingly, people within organizations appreciate how vital such skills can be. Often, listening is at the top of the list. But do not take our word for it; research on listening reveals a wide range of benefits. In a recent review, Avraham Kluger and Guy Itzchakov synthesized the results of more than 120 scholarly publications on listening.6 Here are some of the research team’s most important findings about the benefits of listening at work:

• Listening is linked to better organizational citizenship. Karina Lloyd and her colleagues conducted a study in which they asked employees to weigh in on how good their supervisor is at listening.7 It turns out that supervisors who listen well are more likely to inspire people to defend the company when it faces criticism. Employees who had supervisors who listened well were more likely to independently come up with ways to improve work. Not only that, these bosses were also more likely to inspire their employees to want to continue working at the company.

• Listening is linked to better learning. It will not come as a surprise to you that good listeners learn better. What might be more interesting is what, exactly, good listeners are learning at work. In addition to learning concepts, skills, and information, good listeners are better at avoiding trouble and office politics! They are also more likely to have more balanced perspectives. In a 2017 study, good listeners were more likely than their poor listening counterparts to be open to considering the pros and cons of a point of view.8

• Poor listening is problematic. In one study, for example, poor listening was linked to a variety of disruptive behaviors experienced by nurses.9 These included sexual harassment, being insulted, being gossiped about, being scapegoated, and having their authority undermined, among others.

Taken together, these studies point to an inescapable conclusion. Namely, that listening is important to work. Avraham Kluger and Guy Itzchakov up the ante on that notion by stating it in stronger terms: “listening is arguably a facet of job performance even if it is not perceived or measured as such by organizations” (p. 127).10 The good news is that Radical Listening is likely to have a positive impact on your professional and personal life.

SUMMARY

Historically, advocates for better listening have focused on so-called “active listening.” People who are trained in this approach typically maintain eye contact, check in with the speaker to ensure their meaning has been conveyed accurately, and use the speaker’s language. These can lead to better attention and comprehension and can demonstrate investment in the conversation. Radical Listening builds on this and extends it. The major points of departure are twofold: First, Radical Listening places a heavy emphasis on your intention for listening. Instead of treating listening as a singular conversational skill, we position it as an orientation to interacting. This means that great listeners modify their style depending on their listening intention. They notice and convey different things in conversations in which they want to connect, argue, learn, or entertain. The second departure that makes this approach radical is its emphasis on a wide range of internal and external listening skills. The most counterintuitive of these are questioning and interjection. In both cases, the listener interrupts the flow of the conversation. It would be fair to propose that such interruptions could lead to doubt about whether the person is really listening. However, we argue that these skills demonstrate unusually high conversational engagement and can lead to improved interactions.

QUESTIONS

1. What stands out to you as the most radical idea presented in this chapter?

2. What have you noticed in your own life about the benefits of listening well to others?

3. What will you do differently when listening to people as a result of reading this chapter?